Tag Archives: depression

Finally facing the truth about Post-Polio Syndrome, abandonment issues and possible child molestation.

Feeling of AbandonmentI have been involved with two really great Post-Polio Support Groups on Facebook. It appears the more I post the more help I can give and get. Yesterday was a very low point with my psychological issues of social anxiety and depression. Yes I am on medication but at times it doesn’t help because meds only provide a kind of band aide effect on many mental health problems.

Today I posted on one group (some editing) the following: Fair warning, this is a long post so for those of you (admit it, there are some of you… hey it is okay, I am the same sometimes…lol) who hate them and find me a little boring, then you may not want to read any further :

Often times, too often, I will have days when my depression and anxiety is off the charts. It was bad when I was working, trying to deal with: Post-polio syndrome and having to defend myself to doctors who knew nothing about polio. One of the worse was a Doctor actually screaming at me, “There is no such thing as Post-Polio Syndrome. YOU DON’T HAVE POLIO. It’s all in your head. Keep seeing your psychiatrist!” Why should todays physicians care about post-polio survivors? As far as they are concerned it is over, why waste time with an obsolete disease?

As symptoms began to increase, I began to see one doctor after another. Often I felt like a complainer, a whiner because of the muscle twitches, spasms, constant falls, upper and lower back pain but worse was the mental and psychological issues (yes most of those psyc issues I buried deep) surfacing because of trying to work through so many obstacles that arose daily. At home I slept constantly after work, I just couldn’t seem to get enough rest physically and mentally.

Finally something snapped, it was like an overloaded circuit shorting out. I tried to talk to co-workers, doctors (even psychiatrists), family and friends but all would often say, maybe not in the exact words, “Deal with it, it’s all in your head, you have a lot to be thankful for, keep working because what would you do with yourself. Retiring would be the worst thing you could do!” So I pushed my body, mind and psyc to the limit. I felt guilt that turned into clinical depression and severe social anxiety,  constantly feeling that tight feeling in my gut that just wouldn’t go away and at times would turn to panic.

Finally I came across Dr. Richard Bruno on the internet who is one of the top researchers (likely the only one left) of post-polio survivors. He understood EVERYTHING I was going through. He gave me a better understanding of myself. Everything my medical doctors, psychiatrists, friends and co-workers said didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t being a whiner after all. What was happening to me (numerous symptoms, it is why it is called a “syndrome”) wasn’t all just in my head. Yesterday I was going through one of the worst anxiety attacks and depressions I have been through in a good while. Thanks to two post-polio support groups on the internet they came to my rescue. Virtually all stated they had the same problem with a feeling of an abandonment disorder. Possibly coming from our childhood of having to spend months in hospitals with our families miles and miles away. Can you imagine as a child being forced to be away from family?

I suppose I shouldn’t say this on the internet but it is part of who I am. I just told this to a friend last week but it seem to do me no good to talk about it. That day I had an unexpected flashback of when I was 12 and was going to have surgery on one of my feet. To this day I am scared to death of hospitals (most all medical facilities). While being prepped for surgery by an intern, I can now remember that what was done during that pre-surgery prep was child molestation but I was too young to know that, I only knew I felt really awful afterwards, couldn’t say anything to anyone and put it in a little corner of my brain all these years.

I have few friends because I have often pushed them away or been way too clingy. I love helping people but often that can go against me. I have one friend who has said more than once, “I can’t take much more of you.” and another say, “It is all up here.” pointing to their head.


Posted by on January 20, 2015 in Anxiety, Mental, molestation, Polio


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Depression and a Message From the Author of “The Blue Veil”

I would like to bring this post from Leigh to my reader’s attention. I have emailed her that I would post this message from her editing out what I felt may have been directed personally toward me. At this time (August 10, 2012) I will make a post soon to update on what has been happening with me these past few months. It has been alot and I hope I don’t bore you with all I will have to say…..but then again it is more of an outlet for me but it is also my greatest hope that maybe I will say something that might just help you, that in itself would be my greatest reward! -Bubba-

My email response to Leigh:

Dear Leigh,
Please forgive me for the long delay in replying to your message on my blog. Due to the severity of my physical and mental fatigue and the psychological challenge I deal with from day to day (caused mostly from the post-polio symptoms) it is difficult for me at times to post and keep up my blog. Today a feel a bit stronger and will post your message with a bit of editing on parts that maybe confidential, that is sections you may have meant for only me. I will do all I can to help you in whatever way I can.
I have openly admitted not only on the Internet but also to family, friends, co-works and my physicians regarding my depression and social anxiety. It is important for me to let people who know me know the truth, not matter the consequences. Also my blog it meant as a kind of “outlet” for me but most of all I hope that my experiences can help others in a positive way.
There continues to be a stigmatism against people with depression and other psychological problems. I try not to let it bother me as I am not ashamed of my diagnosis nor that I see a Psychiatrist on a regular basis. I think it is dangerous to hold secrets or truths about ourselves because it can often eat away at us like a cancer. In the beginning, less than 16 months ago I didn’t really know what was wrong with me. I only knew that the post-polio was taking a turn towards the worse, I became more anxious at work due to stress and dealing with people I didn’t know. I was become more self-conscious of my physical disability, my forgetfulness, slowness in comprehension, etc. Finally it came to a head and I tried to end my life.
Since that time I have accepted my limitations and deal with them with them as best I can. Yes, the medications my psychiatrist has prescribed, my stubbornness to keep working even though my body is telling me to stop, my acceptance of my Social Anxiety and Depression has helped me to function better in my daily life and to take it one day at a time.
I am going to try and update my blog today with a bit of your info and also to write and update on what has been going on with me in the last few months.
Long story short, just let me know what I can do for you and if I can I will.
“To Thine Own Self Be True!”


Dear Bubba,

My name is Leigh. Your exceptional blog deals with your life, smoking, depression awareness and I know you are familiar with the importance of mental health. It is for these reasons that I contact you today.

I am ‘every woman’, the girl next door and the one you never would have suspected, however, for years I have been struggling with depression. I have written a book about my experiences entitled “The Blue Veil”.

Through this book, it is my aim to reduce the stigma of depression by increasing awareness of the issue. I am donating a large percentage of the proceeds to 15 carefully chosen mental health awareness organizations worldwide.  I have provided the list of these organizations at the end of this email.

This is where you come in.  I am organizing a 2 month long online book release campaign, structured around various depression awareness weeks around the world. It will be from July 1st to August 31st. My request is, during this period of time would you be willing to host me on your blog for a few days of those months? This can be carried out in a few ways: -I would send you a couple/few articles that talk about my book and of course depression awareness. You would post these articles on your blog over a few days during those months (letting me know which days you will choose) OR -You could write your own prose about “The Blue Veil” and depression awareness and post these articles on your blog over the course of the  months (letting me know which days you will choose).

More on “The Blue Veil”: Up to 58 MILLION suffer from it in the US alone, and VERY FEW talk about it. Is it your friend, colleague or neighbor? Now, finally, ‘The Blue Veil’ brings a modern, raw account of depression.   Read it and understand your loved ones better.  Be assured that no one is alone.

“Leigh has everything going for her when the unthinkable happens. She loses control of her own emotions and everything in her life begins to slip away. With a marriage strained to the brink, the loss of her father, fertility issues and the loss of her job, will Leigh be able to move beyond The Blue Veil and take back control of her future?“

Thanks so much for your consideration and efforts. I understand that you are  busy, so I wanted to express my sincere gratitude. It is with great respect for you and your blog that I write this email and it would mean so much to me to have your readers aware of my efforts.

Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time if you have any questions regarding my request.

Sincerely yours,


Twitter: FB Page The Blue Veil

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Posted by on August 10, 2012 in Uncategorized


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