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Category Archives: Mental

Finally facing the truth about Post-Polio Syndrome, abandonment issues and possible child molestation.

Feeling of AbandonmentI have been involved with two really great Post-Polio Support Groups on Facebook. It appears the more I post the more help I can give and get. Yesterday was a very low point with my psychological issues of social anxiety and depression. Yes I am on medication but at times it doesn’t help because meds only provide a kind of band aide effect on many mental health problems.

Today I posted on one group (some editing) the following: Fair warning, this is a long post so for those of you (admit it, there are some of you… hey it is okay, I am the same sometimes…lol) who hate them and find me a little boring, then you may not want to read any further :

Often times, too often, I will have days when my depression and anxiety is off the charts. It was bad when I was working, trying to deal with: Post-polio syndrome and having to defend myself to doctors who knew nothing about polio. One of the worse was a Doctor actually screaming at me, “There is no such thing as Post-Polio Syndrome. YOU DON’T HAVE POLIO. It’s all in your head. Keep seeing your psychiatrist!” Why should todays physicians care about post-polio survivors? As far as they are concerned it is over, why waste time with an obsolete disease?

As symptoms began to increase, I began to see one doctor after another. Often I felt like a complainer, a whiner because of the muscle twitches, spasms, constant falls, upper and lower back pain but worse was the mental and psychological issues (yes most of those psyc issues I buried deep) surfacing because of trying to work through so many obstacles that arose daily. At home I slept constantly after work, I just couldn’t seem to get enough rest physically and mentally.

Finally something snapped, it was like an overloaded circuit shorting out. I tried to talk to co-workers, doctors (even psychiatrists), family and friends but all would often say, maybe not in the exact words, “Deal with it, it’s all in your head, you have a lot to be thankful for, keep working because what would you do with yourself. Retiring would be the worst thing you could do!” So I pushed my body, mind and psyc to the limit. I felt guilt that turned into clinical depression and severe social anxiety,  constantly feeling that tight feeling in my gut that just wouldn’t go away and at times would turn to panic.

Finally I came across Dr. Richard Bruno on the internet who is one of the top researchers (likely the only one left) of post-polio survivors. He understood EVERYTHING I was going through. He gave me a better understanding of myself. Everything my medical doctors, psychiatrists, friends and co-workers said didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t being a whiner after all. What was happening to me (numerous symptoms, it is why it is called a “syndrome”) wasn’t all just in my head. Yesterday I was going through one of the worst anxiety attacks and depressions I have been through in a good while. Thanks to two post-polio support groups on the internet they came to my rescue. Virtually all stated they had the same problem with a feeling of an abandonment disorder. Possibly coming from our childhood of having to spend months in hospitals with our families miles and miles away. Can you imagine as a child being forced to be away from family?

I suppose I shouldn’t say this on the internet but it is part of who I am. I just told this to a friend last week but it seem to do me no good to talk about it. That day I had an unexpected flashback of when I was 12 and was going to have surgery on one of my feet. To this day I am scared to death of hospitals (most all medical facilities). While being prepped for surgery by an intern, I can now remember that what was done during that pre-surgery prep was child molestation but I was too young to know that, I only knew I felt really awful afterwards, couldn’t say anything to anyone and put it in a little corner of my brain all these years.

I have few friends because I have often pushed them away or been way too clingy. I love helping people but often that can go against me. I have one friend who has said more than once, “I can’t take much more of you.” and another say, “It is all up here.” pointing to their head.

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Posted by on January 20, 2015 in Anxiety, Mental, molestation, Polio

 

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My Feelings About Early Retirement & Being Blessed

Having Faith

Having Faith

As usual…..

 It has been awhile since my last post. I had hoped to maintain this blog on a regular basis, mainly as a journal of my current life dealing with my physical, mental and psychological post-polio symptoms. Then of course there is the natural aging process that we must all go through.Currently I continue to work in a job I love but can no longer put in 40 hours a week and have had to cut down to maximum of 30 hours a week by going on Family Medical Leave and using my accrued sick leave. I was able to get a prescription from my neurologist to allow me to work fewer hours. Unfortunately I’m still not sure he understands post-polio symptoms as few doctors do. As Dr. Bruno calls it, The Polio Paradox hits the nail right on the head. PPS is a contradiction in itself. It is frustrating to have to try and convince my doctors my symptoms are post-polio related. Now I am asking myself, “Why should I care?” I have gotten to the point I really don’t anymore.

         As for my decision to retire……a few months back I sat in a hospital room for two hours watching a co-worker die from breast cancer. She was in a coma on life support but I talked with her and prayed over her. I knew all was well when the Holy Spirit came over me. She had to take early retirement because it came down to my employer keeping me or her. They kept me on which allowed me to reach my 30 plus years as my co-worker had done. She never forgave me (but I think as a Christian she did, in her own way, I feel sure of it) even though it was out of my control. Her sister later told me it was the best thing that could have happen to her, she was given time to do volunteer work for her Church, spend more time with her family and most of all watch her only grand-daughter grow into a fine young lady. After leaving her hospital room, kissing her on the forehead and letting her know “it is ok to let go”  (two hours later the family took her off life support). As I drove away from the hospital, a thought came over me, “Bubba, it is time to stop working. You have to think of your health and maintaining your independence. Money is important to maintain my independence but my health is more important.” I went back to the office and the next day I typed my letter of intent to retire as of January 31, 2014. As the time approaches, I have mixed feelings.  Physically I grow weaker but try not to dwell on that, mentally I have become more forgetful and without rest have difficulty speaking and organizing my thoughts. For that reason I hate to talk on a phone because it can get a bit embarrassing. Psychologically, I feel I am withdrawing more and more from others but having faith and a belief in Jesus Christ along with great friends I will get through anything thrown my way!I feel strongly that all things happen for a reason and I am trying to convince myself, all will be well, I am making the right decision and God will get me through this……..he always has and always will.

   For anyone who has read my posts then you know about “Birdy”. She is doing great! That little dog can be dense at times but she is smart and entertaining. No one could ask for a better dog. She seldom barks, is full of life and energy, wants to stay at my side or at least in her eye sight and will pout (walking away slowly with her head held down) when I have to leave her for work or when it is bed time. It took awhile to dawn on me but I’ve learned to love her and she is a gift from God. There was a very good reason it was meant for me to rescue her from certain euthanization.I hope to post again soon as I think it helps to sometimes be able to put my thoughts into words. As I sit here and type, now and then I glance out of my window seeing the palm tree I planted a few years back, growing full and tall, the green grass, the live oaks with moss hanging from the limbs……I could go on forever. I think what I’m trying to say is that no matter what life throws at us, with Gods help we can get through anything and when I look out of my window I’m thankful for my life and all God has blessed me with.

For the one or two who might read this, take care and when you have tuff decisions to make, trust yourself, leave it in Gods hands and try not to look at the negatives in your life but instead, look at the positives (blessings). If you look beyond the trees, you will find just how blessed you are.

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2013 in Early Retirement, Mental, Pets, Polio, Quit Smoking

 

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