It can be a winable battle....I just have to believe.
Dear Dr. Bruno,
Today was not a good day. I went back to work this past Tuesday after three weeks off. Of course you know two of those weeks were traveling over a thousand miles round trip, helping and encouraging my mom to prepare for the nursing home and then trying to help get her apartment cleared and mainly just letting her know I would never be far from her even if only by phone. I used the wheelchair alot while I was in her apartment complex as she was practically bed ridden. The use of the wheelchair made life alot easier for me as I was able to help look after her for a week and then use it to pack boxes, take out the garbage and stuff like that. Had it not been for the chair I think I might have been in a lot of trouble both physically and mentally. My drive home was a bit “scary” as it was on Christmas Eve and the traffic was heavy and that is when the physical and mental fatigue really set in. Fortunately I could stop whenever I saw a rest area or pull off to a vacant parking lot. There was times I wasn’t even sure I would get home safely as I’m sure I made a few careless driving mistakes but as the saying goes, “God was my pilot.”
During Christmas and the week following. I the physical fatigue once again set in but I would use a crutch(s) and this helped alot. I had the thresh holds replaced in a couple of doors so as to prevent stumbling and to help in the event I should have to start using a wheelchair here in my little “Florida Cracker House” as I like to refer to it. Mentally, my anxiety worsened as did the depression. Also as you know I sent a letter and the Long Term Disability papers to my “shrink” asking if he could give me a script to stop working and help me get the LTD. There was times during that week I felt worthless and couldn’t help but think that if I don’t start making changes soon in my life, like my Mom at 80, I could also very easily lose my Independence and end up in a nursing home.
On New Years Day I went to Church and had my first communion. When I left I felt spiritually uplifted and of course this improved my mental and physical well being.
When I got back to work on Tuesday, that wheelchair I keep at my desk looked mighty good. It was hard getting up at 5:30 AM (as the week progressed I started having muscle twitches and fatigue in the upper extremities which made it hard to get out of bed) and getting to work at 7 AM, but after awhile I perked up and got down to business. By noon I was wiped out (this seems to be getting worse as time goes by) but I would keep going until the end of my day at 4:00 PM.
Today everything began to fall apart. I was trying to reach a payroll deadline and I no longer had a workstudy student to do the running for me (taking things to another building on campus where the Payroll Department is located) and would often “sneak” (others said they would do it for me) out of the office in my wheelchair to make immediate deliveries of hardcopy paper work to prevent delays in the payroll process. The first hour went well as I was alone before most people start coming in at 8 AM. Then the pressure started, those (supervisors) I needed to sign off on paperwork had appointments scheduled off and on so it slow my work down. Problems started coming through and I had to get on the phone alot. Around 10 AM I was going down a narrow hall in our department and one of my supervisors came running around a corner and nearly feel into me as my wheelchair is quiet. I caught her by the waist to keep her safe from tripping or falling. There has been a few times I have actually, almost, backed into another co-worker. Doors are getting more and more difficult to open, I keep bumping into office furniture, walls, etc. After the close accident with the supervisor I couldn’t stop feeling bad as I felt it was my fault for being in the wheelchair and she could have been hurt. People on campus I have known for years will not even look at me in the face when I am in the chair. Some look at me with pity and others with caring……a few treat me as they always have, with a smile and greeting.
Anyway, after the close accident I parked the chair at my desk and started using my crutches. I have lost so much muscle in my legs that when I do walk they are baby steps and almost like that of a 90 year old man. I now refused to use the wheelchair at work other than at my desk. Stress, guilt and all kinds of other emotions started to catch up with me. I would snap off to almost anyone who spoke to me and finally at noon, when I felt sure the Payroll deadline had been reached and all was well…….I nearly walked off the job (I was tired, weak and my hands trembled) but went to my boss and told her I would not be back this afternoon (I left at 12) and turned in my time-sheet and leave form for 3 hours sick leave (I am using that up far too fast now and I don’t know what I will do if it runs out, I still have quiet a bit but just the same it is going fast). She said, “James I am worried about you.” I tried to explain about the fatigue, my quickness to anger and the closs accidents of the morning but I’m not sure she fully understood. When she repeated she was worried about me, I said, “I am worried about me too. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
Dr. Bruno, I am NOT going to allow any of this to pull me down without getting up and keep fighting this second battle with polio…….I just can’t let all these years of hard work fall apart on me now. If Dr. B (the psychiatrist) does not approve my leaving work then I’m going to be lost. Financially I will collapse and God only knows how I will deal with this physically and mentally. I will, I suppose keep trying to keep my chin up and go on working for as long as I can and they will have me……I just don’t know anymore. I still have strength in my lower extremities even though the decline has been severe this past years, I have managed but now that something seems to be going on with my arms and joints, that seems to be a warning to me that something has got to give, and very soon. I just can’t and want allow myself to lose my independence. When I caught polio I beat the battle and now that it wants to fight back at me…..I have got to find it in me and my faith to fight back.
Thanks for hearing me out as I know you are a busy man. My apologies for my grammer and spelling, plus I’m ab bit to tired to reread what I have typed. Tomorrow I’m sure will be a better day, actually I have my first Bible Study tomorrow morning on the Book of James 
Respectfully and Appreciatively Yours,
James
