A Double Edged Sword

Winning The First Battle

It has been awhile since I have made a post in my blog and I regret that, as it is, you could say, it is an “outlet” for me to put my thoughts in words. In some ways is a way to “finalize” some negative thoughts and leave them behind and to move forward in the positives and to resolve issues that have been “put on a back burner”.  Some people may think, “Well why anyone would want to publicize their personal thoughts.” Actually I’m not so concerned about what others think, only that if my own issues and resolutions help others and myself, that to me is all that matters. If I can’t be “True to myself” then I’ve lost life’s battle and that is not in my nature and it is not who I am.

For the past few months I have had one relapse after another with returning to smoking. It is becoming worse but yet even though I KNOW it is self-destructive I still haven’t made the “choice” to quit. Until then, I continue to destroy six years of being free from the addiction. The time will come, I’m sure of it, when I will turn away from the cigarettes that have killed so many people I have loved. Sure I could set a date but to me, it isn’t a matter of setting a date, it is when “you KNOW” you have chosen to quit and quit for good. That could be now or it could be next month, but no matter what the date……it will be when I have made the commitment for myself and not for anyone else.

My depression has been controllable and when I do feel it, often short lived, I can deal with it. The doctor had cut me down to one tab of 100 mg of Welbutrin but just recently upped it to 150 mg. My anxiety comes and goes but the Xanax has helped tremendously. The doctor is a bit leery of my taking it on a regular basis but it is the only med that has seem to work for me.  I have so far managed to deal with the stress that arises from work and in my personal life.

The post-polio symptoms are a whole different story. I have gone through one doctor after another and one test after another with no real concrete answers to my continued physical and mental fatigue. My legs are becoming more atrophied and without crutches, I walk like a drunken man. My balance continues to get worse. I now use a wheelchair daily at work and my hours have changed from 7 AM to 4 PM. This has helped but I still find myself exhausted by noon, but…..I deal with it as best I can. My concentration wanders and my search for words when I speak gets worse when I tire. I often go to bed before night falls. I have difficulty going on the computer. I loved working on my websites and participating with others in fighting tobacco use. Most of all I miss my online family and friends.

I recently received a statement from my health insurance provider indicating I have spent over $5000 in co-pay just this past year. I try to look at it this way; at least I have health insurance and a job. My finances are a disaster but I know God has a purpose for me and he blesses me everyday and provides the strength I need to get from day to day.

Thanks to Dr. Richard Bruno, (who answer every email I send him) my thoughts are often positive and I am always looking for a way to improve both my physical and mental health. With his professional advice I have learned I am not the only post-polio survivor (there are millions and I am begining to suspect we are the “lost and forgotten” when it comes to the medical community as I go through these “runarounds” with doctors. I am starting to educate myself as this is the only way I will get through this. I am fortunate to have recently found a physician who seems to know what he is doing and has knowledge of polio. He received his medical education and experience outside the US and that is a plus. I suspect many medical schools no longer teaches about polio and the benifits is has taught them to work with others affected by spinal cord injuries and diseases. Between this new doctor, Dr. Bruno, my own love of life and my religion…..I know I will get through this difficult time in my life…..it is only one of many chapters in my life and this one will lead into a better one.

Having post-polio (with poor balance and mental fatigue) to me is not a good combination with taking Xanax. That is where the double edge sword comes in. I suspect the anxiety also has a part in draining s both my mental and physical strength. But yet,  the Xanax “calms” the anxiety, even though it is likely affecting my thought process and may even have a bit to do with my balance.  Nothing is perfect and I have to make a choice……does the benefits outweigh the side effects? I feel it does and I will continue this battle with post-polio, depression and anxiety just as I fought the battle when I first came down with Type I Infantile Poliomyelitis at age three. I’m not about to let this or the smoking pull me down. Life is good and I want to continue to be productive not only for myself but for others as well. I’m in a turmoil, do I need to stop work and preserve my physical independence for as long as I can or do I continue to work for people who depend on me and possibly shorten my independence? I don’t have the answer to any of these questions but I do know my faith and trust in God is stronger than ever and I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE just as I have so many others!