Zoloft and Welbutrin was too much, not right for me!

Total withdrawel from emotions, is it right?

These past few days are in a kind of blur for me. I recall texting my nephew and nieces and God only knows how nuts my texts must have sounded. I finally got the nerve up to ask my niece to ask my brother-in-law if he would come back down and help me out. Deep down I knew I needed him to help me get through this. He pretty much said no, he has more important things to do. I have to admit, it hurt. The way I see it if you care about someone you will put everything else aside and get to them. I have convinced myself, that is ok, I’ll get through this alone.

Yesterday I woke up in total dispair. I have no appetite but fortunately when I do eat the food tastes great and I still love my ice cream! Local friends, other than my neighbor Ian, never come around me. He is a good kid and will text me almost daily and has brought me over a dinner plate a couple of times. I’m not sure what I would have done without him. My cousin in Georgia has called me and emails me almost daily, her support means alot to me and  my sis Wanda calles daily along with my texts from my niece Cindy and my name sake and pride, my nephew Edward. My niece Jen has offered to come down by bus to spend a couple of weeks with me but I would NEVER want to put her out like that. I’m not sure I would be sitting here if not for all the caring family I have.

Yesterday morning I curled up in bed and cried like a baby….just doesn’t seem right for a man to do that. We are suppose to be a lot stronger than that! I tried to eat but couldn’t. Around 1 PM I text my niece and told here, “The key to all this is to be able to turn off all your feelings, your emotions, worries. If you can turn those off, that would be the greatest thing ever.” I just wanted the hurt to stop. I didn’t want to care about people any more. Hey, no matter how much I want it I can’t change the world by getting rid of all the hurts and worries for everyone. I just want to feel “nothing”.

When I got to the doctor’s office I looked the receptionist right in the eye and laughed with her and paid my bill. I sat, sling on left arm, wallet held in both hands along with my car keys and then……I shut down, literally and felt calmness as I stared at the floor or my lap. I felt it best not to look at anyone in their face, I didn’t want to see the various emotions on their faces….I didn’t want to see anything about them and as I type this….I still don’t. I sat in that chair rocking back and forth with my hands twitching and jerking. I kept picturing old men I’d seen in old movies of folks in insane asylum and it broke my heart and scared me that that might be me someday.

Anyway, after about a half hour or so the doctor came out of his office and called out my name. I could not look up into his face, I stared at the floor and finally got to his office, sat looking at the floor rocking back and forth. I told him with a breaking voice, “PLEASE make this hurt stop….I don’t want to feel anymore. These meds are making me worse and I can’t function. PLEASE don’t Backer Act me or put me in the hospital.” He became very quiet and I could not look at him. He finally said, “I would never Baker Act you. We are going to get you better, I promise.” Well I began to cry and I told him I have been seeimg them for months and they have done nothing for me, I am only getting worse! I could hear the hurt in his voice as he said, ” We are trying all we can.” That tore at me and I assured him I trusted him and to forgive me as “I’m not a well man right now.” He began asking me questions as I rocked in my chair, my hands twitched, shook and jerked, I sagged staring at the floor and mumbled my answers of “yes sir” or “no sir”. You see it is my very nature to treat everyone in an equal, friendly, respectful and informal way but most of all with direct eye contact. You can tell so much by a person from looking in their eyes and listening careful to the tone of their voices. Do the voice tone match their eyes? Anyway, that is just me.

Dr. B. finally said, “James look at this list. Can you read it? I want you to cut down on the Zoloft and Welbutrin and then in 7 days stop taking it. Do you live alone?” When I said yes he became somewhat concerned but I assured him I would get by and I would NEVER hurt myself….besides, suicide solves nothing and I would no longer even consider that. I begged him not to make me go back to work on the 26th as just the thought tears me apart on the inside. He wants me to stop in and see him right after the visit in Orlando with my surgeon. He is going to place me on a new med. All I remember is it starts with an “S” and he said he wasn’t sure my insurance would cover it but he was ging to do his best to get them too. In the mean time he gave me 20 tabs of Xanex .05 mg that he said should take the edge off my anxiety. As I was leaving his office he stood very close to me, “Are you going to be ok to drive.”  I still could not look up but I could hear the compassion in his voice and I could only say, “I won’t disappoint you.”

Last night I took an Xanex and slept a couple of hours. I felt great when I woke up and actually drove to the jetties looking out over the inlet, hearing the waves hitting the rocks, couples walking by holding hands, children laughing and playing. It was sounds of life and I thank God for giving me that bit of time.

I got up this morning once again feeling full of despair. My niece tell me the Xanax is only a temporary med. I took another and felt like a drunk man and very wobbly on my feet but the tightness is my stomach was gone. You can’t imagine what a relief that is.

So anyway folks, I’m getting by. I have absolutely no suicidal thoughts and am going to give all my energy to getting well. I am considering returning to smoking again. This time it will be a choice and not out of an urge. I haven’t because I know if I do chose to smoke again, there may be no turning back.