We take it one day at a time, hope for the best and go on living.

Sun trying to break through the dark clouds.

These past two weeks have been like a roller coaster ride. It has had its ups and downs but then again I suppose you could say that is “life”. What a HUGE meaning that word can have for us. As we grow older “the meaning of life” seems to get more clear as the days and years pass. No wait that is not neccessarily true, actually only God knows the “true meaning of our lives” we have to trust in him and all will be well.

For about 16 hours on Easter Day of April 24, 2011 I was lying face down on my livingroom floor…..dying. In route to the hospital my skin had turned blue and was clammy to the touch. I began to have seizures and eventually went into acute respiratory failure. No it wasn’t a heart attack, stroke or anything else of the sort, you see, even now, and I still don’t know why, but I took an overdose of my meds. This could only mean that for some reason or other “I had decided” to end my “life”. I suspect I allowed my “faith” to waiver and it was that small crack that opened up that cess pool of depression and thoughts of hopelessness that caused me to do something really stupid.

Within a few days I began to recover very quickly. My late sister Sherry (not only my sis but my best friend) husband and daughters were right there at my side. My brother-in-law stayed right with me until I came home from the hospital. He knows me well (as does all close friends and most family) and knew I would be “ok” even as I began to have the anxiety attacks and the difficulty in pulling out of a deep depression. After about a week of knowing all was well with me he headed back for Georgia. I went on about my life with trying to deal with getting the mental health issues under control and strengthening my damaged faith (the very foundation of who I am). I just wanted to get back to my old self, before the attempt took place. This blog pretty much has my thoughts of those days after and up to about two weeks ago.

Orlando Florida Skyline

On July13, 2011 my brother-in-law showed up to get me to Orlando for surgery to repair my left bicep tendon. After numerous falls I came to learn I had ruptured my left bicep tendon by 80%. Having had polio in both legs I have through the years compensated for a lot by using both my arms and hands for balance, lifting, etc. I’m almost helpless without that left arm. My orthopedic doctor refused to do the tendon repair and admitted he didn’t feel he was capable of doing it and wanted the very best for me by referring me to a specialist in Orlando.

BIL and I got to the Surgery Center a little late (I got us lost not once but several times!) but they took me right on in. I felt confident about the whole procedure. I knew family and friends were thinking of me and saying a few prayers. I felt no anxiety and zero depression as I was prepped for surgery.

As I began to awaken from the surgery there was a young man standing over me, my BIL was sitting in a chair across from me and the bed faced a window overlooking the downtown city skyline of Orlando. As I became more alert, my nurse Mike explained to me in detail about my surgery and said it was successful but during the procedure I began to have severe “body jerks”. I explained to him I was on a new medication that I thought might be causing it as I had been recently diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Depression. I told him I suspected the psychological problems came as a result of my disability and being self-conscious and unsure of myself. He smiled from ear to ear and said, “Dude you’re a good person and as far as I’m concerned you have no reason to be self-conscious about anything.” That really lifted my spirit as he and my BIL began helping me get on my leg braces, pants and shirt. The doctor came in and said I had ruptured 90% of the tendon which was more than originally thought but he was able to make the repair.

As my BIL and I got on the Florida Turn Pike to head home, I asked him if we could stop at the Plaze to get something to eat and I wanted a cup of coffee. While he was waiting for the sandwiches I began to walk over to Dunkin Donuts for the coffee. As I turned from my BIL my foot hit something and down I went…..HARD…. onto the left arm but fortunately it was numb and the splint at the elbow and my shoulder took all the force of the fall. I didn’t think my BIL and another gentleman were ever going to get me up because of course my legs are too weak to help me lift myself. My BIL said, “Sheesh Bubba, did you see that man’s face? He was turning red from trying to help me get you up….you are a dead weight buddy.”…….didn’t help me get over my embarrassment but that’s my BIL

So here I am trying to recoup, BIL had to help me get my braces and pants on and off for a few days until I learned to do it myself with just the right hand. I was having to take Percocet every few hours so I suspect this was dulling the depression and anxiety I might have been feeling. I would say right around Friday, July 22, 2011 I had awaken to feel an overwhelming sadness and a sense of hopelessness. I moped around most of the morning. My BIL asked if I was ok and I had to admit, “No I can’t seem to pull out of this depression.” His advice, as it has been with most was, “Come on Bubba, all you have to do is deal with it.” I responded, “I’m trying as hard as I can, I really am but it is almost like the harder I try the worse I feel.”

Yesterday we went to Orlando and I had the bandages and splint removed. The doctor said I wasn’t allowed to lift, not even a cup with my left hand for four weeks. He said I wasn’t even to use that arm for lifting myself out of a chair…….sounded to me like the least bit of force on that tendon could undo everything…..sheesh and here I am forcing myself to return to work tomorrow and I’m constantly having to get up and down out of my work chair! Oh well, it could be worse and I will get through this just like I have everything else. My blessings far out weigh anything bad happening in my life. I really am very fortunate!

Last night my BIL began to prepare to leave to go home to Georgia. It was hard to think he was leaving as during this time he turned out to be, not only my BIL, but my best friend!  We talked in confidence about anything and everything. When I got up this morning I was going to thank him again for looking after me and getting me through these rough times but……he slipped out without me knowing it, just before daybreak this morning. No chance to give him one more “thank you”.

Tomorrow it will be back to work (the knot in my stomach gets tight when I think of it) and on Friday I will see my doctor. I’m hoping he can adjust the Zoloft & Welbutrin or change meds to those that will help relieve this anxiety and depression.  My on-line quit smoking friend Dan, who is now a pastor, told me a few months ago to read “The Book of James” and when I did it strengthened my faith. I believe after I close this message I will reread it.

Life really is good and it is what we make of it. We aren’t meant to end the lives of others or that of ourselves…..only God has that right. I’m still here, he has his plans for my life and I’m determined I will take it one day at a time, hope for the best and go on living my life in such a way that God will smile down on me. God has kept me here for a reason and that is all I need to know.

Respectfully Yours,

Bubba

 

A week of Anxiety and Depression & I found out the Jr. at the end of my name does not stand for MD…durn it!

This past week I have learned one thing……stress can most definitely worsen anxiety and depression….or at least that is my experience.

For weeks my anxiety and depression appeared to be getting worse no matter how hard I tried to prevent it.  On Friday morning of July 1st I was sitting at my computer having just finished posting a message here in my blog and on Facebook. I was feeling really down and my stomach was in knots. I heard a knock at my front door and saw someone peeping in the window…..it was my niece Cindy and her family having arrived from my home state of Georgia! Rather than go to the beaches of South Carolina they decided to come here for their vacation. Right away I began to feel better and had a great time with them during the July 4th holiday weekend. Loving family can sure cure what ails you!

On Tuesday, July 5th I awaken feeling the worse depression I have felt in a long time. I showered and got dressed for work, taking my meds before going out of the door. Once I got to work at 7 am, I began quietly doing my job, not giving my usual ”good morning” to my coworkers. As the morning progressed I began to feel a bit better. At 10 AM the phone began to ring, emails started coming in and co-workers began to ask for help. Being in Human Resources this means there are problems and they had to be resolved……immediatly! I began to feel overwhelmed. The depression and anxiety hit me full force until I said to myself, “I’ve had enough, get the heck out of here.” so I walked off my job after telling my boss I wasn’t feeling well and was going home! I went home, got lunch and slept until the following day. Once again, the next work day, at around 10 am the problems began to pile up. And once again I walked off the job. Keep in mind, I have been dealing with these kinds of days for years and never had this kind of reaction.

As I walked out the second time in two days, I went to our local mental health facility and told them I needed help. I informed them of the severe depression, anxiety and walking off my job. My meds were likely making it all worse! I was put through an intake interview. The interviewer said we could not rule out bipolar disorder but she strongly suspected I was having a reaction to the Zoloft. I told her I was now back to the 25 mg of Zoloft but it wasn’t doing any good. I also began to say, “I suspect it could also be……..” and the interviewer threw up her hands and told me to stop! “James,” she said, “at the end of your name is “JR” which means junior, it does not mean “MD”!” I kinda put my head down in shame and gave in with a quiet “ok”. Afterwards I felt better having someone to talk to who appeared to understood.  I went back to work and got through the day.

The following day, Thursday, I kept telling myself, “You can do this, you can do this.” and later I came to a decision it might be best for me to retire from my job early and go on disability. Realization finally hit, I knew now…….my job was tearing me apart mentally and I had to do something….fast!  I spoke with my supervisor who said she was worried about me. I told her I felt it might be best if I went ahead and retired early. I would like to do so in a short time or if possible stay until she retired next year.

At the end of the day, right around 5 PM, I was called into my Dean’s office along with my supervisor. The Dean said she had heard that I planned to leave. She understood what I was going through and was willing to do all she could to keep me from leaving. I promised her I would reconsider and try to stay as long as I could.

Yesterday, Friday July 8th, I saw my doctor and explained to him every thing that happen to me in the past week. I practically begged him to find a way to help this depression and anxiety go away! As it turns out, it isn’t as bad as I thought. He never once mentioned anything about bipolar but said, “It was a big mistake to put you on that low dosage of Zoloft. A low dose can actually worsen depression and anxiety but the higher the dosage the better it works.” He raised the dose of Zoloft from 25 mg to 50 mg but said more than once he doesn’t want to have to put me on a different type of medication. I’m not sure why he is so set on the Zoloft but I know he is wanting to do what is best for me and I do trust him.

Today is my second day of taking 50 mg of Zoloft. I slept a lot yesterday but today I’m more alert.  I have very little feeling of anxiety or depression. My sense of humor seems to be returning.  I took my niece out to lunch and instead of going to the drive thru we went inside. I had a great time and not once did I feel anxious.

Lets hope this is a start of stability from this God awful anxiety and depression.